


The Goddamn Pig

by Triple_Chin



Category: Rockman X | Mega Man X
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Axl Has No Shame, Axl is Super Proud of His Lawn, Crack, Lawn Ornaments, Swearing, Ugly Lawns, X is Emotionally Distraught, X is the Lawn Fashion Police, Zero is Sick of This Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triple_Chin/pseuds/Triple_Chin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wouldn't want you to find yourself with a 25 to life sentence over a pig."</p><p>X and Zero find themselves with a new neighbor which is fine and dandy except for one thing: the lawn ornament collection is exponentially expanding and is the ugliest thing the sun's rays have ever touched. It's them versus the lawn and they sure as hell aren't going to lose to a porcelain pig. (Technically, it's X versus his rapidly declining sanity, but that's not the important part.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Goddamn Pig

**Author's Note:**

> Your typical "I refuse to do homework so I'll write shitty fanfiction" sort of job. Based off a real lawn ornament I saw: it was a four foot, baby pink pig and was placed in a suburban lawn looking very out of place. It still haunts me to this day.
> 
> Also, there may or may not be a tiny amount of gay.
> 
> Megaman X and all recognizable characters belong to Capcom and are not used for profit. I just want to write dumb stories and not do my homework.

“He’s fucking done it again!” X glared out of the window, staring at his neighbor’s lawn.

“X, shut the hell up. It’s not nearly early enough for all this.” Zero cast his roommate a bleary look, and glanced at the clock. It was only 8:30 in the morning and X was already raising hell in their shared home.

“It’s worse! It’s so much fucking worse than last week!” X was huffing with the exertion of his ranting; he looked to Zero for sympathy, but found none. It was enough to send him into another round of complaints.

“Why do I even bother with you when you can’t come morally support me in light of this crisis I mean what have I done to deserve this you can’t even call that decoration it’s absolute sin and travesty I can’t believe you don’t even care it’s-”

Zero stood up and walked over to the window and peered out to the adjacent lawn. He stumbled back a few steps, eyes wide in what seemed to be shock. “I’ll reconsider your point of view. That’s a crime against humanity and against anything that has eyes.” He took another look out the window and sighed. “Holy shit.”

X whipped around and marched right up to Zero. “He can’t be trusted to decorate his own goddamn lawn. I’m writing that letter and you can’t fucking stop me.”

The taller of the two wandered off to the kitchen to fix breakfast for both of them. “I really don’t want you writing it X. I mean, you’re not quite yourself when you’re playing lawn fashion police. And I don’t think you really want to deal with him right now; I wouldn’t want to you to find yourself with a 25 to life sentence over a pig.”

The two housemates had a problem, like a Problem, with the capital P and everything. They had recently gotten a new neighbor. Pretty standard stuff, until they realized said neighbor apparently had a lawn ornament collection and made it a goal to add to it every week. To make matters worse, the entire thing was hideous and they couldn’t do anything about it. X had suggested writing a friendly letter of complaint, only to have Zero shoot it down. “He’ll probably run out of things to add to it eventually. It’ll be fine, just don’t look out the window,” Zero had tried reassuring X. Turns out his reassurance was a steaming pile of shit because the collection was already nearing 20 pieces when it had started out during Week 1 and showed no signs of stopping. As Week 12 approached, X was starting to go insane. It didn’t help that the garden of hell was right in front of the large curtain-less window in the parlor. By some cruel twist of fate, the new pig ornament would stare into X’s soul with its beady eyes every time he entered the room to do some relaxing.

X flopped down in one of the kitchen chairs and threw his head into his hands. He studied the kitchen wall, as he tried to figure out his best course of action to deal with those awful lawn decorations. Zero looked at X, bright blue eyes dancing with unspoken humor. “Still upset about those lawn ornaments, or am I just making your eggs wrong again?”

Broken out of his reverie, X shook his head and chuckled, “Nah, it’s just the pig.” He was quiet for a moment before speaking again, “you’re the best roomie, you know? Dealing with my problems and making my food, it’s great honestly.”

Zero placed breakfast on the table, smiling appreciatively at X’s comment. “You’re not so bad yourself; you clean up after the both of us and pay half the rent. Now eat your food. We’ll go talk to the owner of that train wreck of a lawn later.”

* * *

 

“Remember what we talked about, OK? And if you feel things getting out of control, then I’ll step in.” Zero clapped a hand on X’s shoulder. He gave an uneasy look around the lawn. “But honestly, you can’t just put a ceramic pig with plastic flamingos and a… what even is that?” The blond vaguely gestured at a clusterfuck in the center of the yard; a quick glance was all that was needed to cause chills to run down the roommates’ spines.

X turned away from the gruesome sight so violently he feared he might have injured himself. He knocked on the door, loud enough to be heard, but not so loud it would have been considered impolite.

No response.

He tried rapping on the door again, to unfortunately similar results. Gentle thumping quickly morphed into angry pounding, which, in turn, devolved into desperate hammering. Time passed, and X soon found himself on the verge of tears. He couldn’t afford to turn around, literally. The ugly was just far too much for him to handle, especially after the lawn ornament collection had been chipping away at his tolerance for bordering 3 months now.

The door suddenly flew open and X was greeted with a bright smiling face. X eyed him suspiciously; he was awfully smiley for a guy who almost broke his visitor’s nose with the goddamn door. Emerald eyes seemed to stare right into him and was it just him or did this guy have X’s name carved into the bridge of his nose? Creepy. The stranger opened his mouth and suddenly words seemingly tumbled out of his mouth.

“Hey there! I was wondering when you’d notice I had a doorbell. I’m Axl! Is there anything you need from me? A cup of sugar? I’ve got plenty of it! Maybe some cookies? Unfortunately I can’t bake, but I’d love to try and learn for you and your lovely girlfriend-”

“Your lawn’s a fucking mess.” Zero’s deep blunt voice cut through Axl’s excited speel; X was internally snickering at the turn of events. Zero was usually calm and laid back, almost to a fault, so seeing him almost completely lose his cool in front of a guy the two friends had collectively known for less than 5 minutes was a bit of a sad achievement on the other guy’s part. The fact that the blond had intentionally deepened his voice was just the icing on the shitty cake of ridiculousness.

To the little idiot’s credit, Axl didn’t seem even the slightest bit frightened or embarrassed. He simply pasted an even goofier grin on his face and bounced with excitement. “Wait, I just have to show you guys something. Come on, follow me!” He bounded out of his house and onto the aesthetic disaster of a front lawn.

Zero gaped at Axl’s blatant dismissal of whatever he had to say. X nearly collapsed as he slowly began to piece together that maybe the yard of misfits was his eccentric neighbor’s pride and joy.

“This is my lawn ornament collection! I’ve been working on it since I moved here. I just love them you know? They’re so cute and cheery and beautiful and delightful and entertaining and tasteful-”

“I can see how the first 5 details may be a very subjective view on yard decorations, but I feel strangely obligated to object to that last description. These, uh, _objects_ are many things, but tasteful sure as hell isn’t one of them.” X stopped Axl before the situation could have gotten any worse. He wasn’t quite sure he was emotionally stable enough to sit through an introductory meeting with Patricia the Pig, Alex the Flamingo, and Walden the Perpetually Horny Deer. X glanced at Zero; he was looking twitchy and creeped out as well.

“He’s Herbert the gnome and she’s Macie the honey bear and that over there is … well I haven’t actually named him yet.” Axl was still droning on about his precious little babies, seemingly unaware of the jabs his visitors had taken at his yard. He was so engrossed in revealing the true glory of his lawn, he didn’t even notice X and Zero were visibly uncomfortable and ignoring the in-depth analysis of the placement of his embellishments. Zero caught X’s gaze and jerked his head back in the direction of their house. The unspoken message was crystal clear: “Let’s get the hell outta here before one of us accidentally kill him with Macie.”

The two tried to slink off Axl’s property, hoping to make a mad dash to the safety of their own home, but Axl began to pout, “Hey, that’s not where anything I’m talking about is. Why are you going over there anyway?”

X and Zero froze. Busted. They exchanged panicked looks as they tried to come up with a believable excuse. “We were just interested in the, uh, the… what is that actually?” X held his breath. He wasn’t sure Axl would buy his excuse, but then again, he didn’t notice two rather unsubtle insults to his lawn. The odds were tilted in their favor.

Axl grinned for a second before he dropped the charade, uttering “bullshit” with a glare. Clearly, Lady Luck wasn’t on their side. In fact, she cackled “PSYCH” and began pointing and laughing. Her sister Lady Liberty probably recorded the entire thing and captioned it “TRU DEF OF LMAO” before sending it off to all the other deities because godly beings are assholes.

The two roommates gulped and resigned themselves to their fate. Their corpses were going to found propped up in Axl’s yard in the upcoming weeks. The death certificates would read, “ Cause of Death: Bored to death with immensely detailed descriptions of lawn ornaments.” The worst part? Axl would probably get off scot-free. After all, lawn ornaments won’t be counted as murder weapons if there is no blunt force trauma mixed in there somewhere.


End file.
